It's normal to have differences in relationships. Whether it's a minor issue like choosing a restaurant for dinner or a major one like deciding on a place to live, disagreements are inevitable with your partner. The most important thing is not the fact that you and your partner disagree, but rather the way in which you handle those disagreements.
One key skill to learn in relationships is how to bring up a conflict conversation to your partner. In the Gottman Method Couples Therapy model, this is called using a gentle start-up vs. a harsh start-up. Consider the following questions:
Do you use sarcasm to bring up an issue with your partner?
Do you immediately blame your partner for the problem?
Do you start out the conversation from a negative perspective?
Do you become accusatory toward your partner?
Do you criticize your partner?
Do you try and find “the bad guy”?
If you find yourself answering “yes” to one or more of these questions, it’s likely that you’re approaching conflict conversations with a harsh start-up. John Gottman’s research sheds light on this: he found that 96 percent of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a 15-minute interaction.
In other words, beginning a conversation with a harsh start-up can significantly derail effective communication. It’s a powerful reminder of how crucial those first moments are in setting the tone for connection and understanding. Recognizing this can be the first step toward shifting how you approach these important conversations with more empathy and care.
What exactly are harsh start-ups? Harsh start-ups begin with criticism, sarcasm, contempt, and blame. Here are a couple of examples:
Wow, great shirt choice. (sarcasm) You know it’s a formal dinner right? We aren’t going to the beach.
I’m constantly bringing this up to you. You never help out around here. I am always the one doing all the chores.
What is your problem? I already told you several times that I don’t want to go to the party.
You are so forgetful. You left the gas tank on empty. It’s all your fault I was late for work.
Harsh start-ups lead to distance within relationships. Over time, this can lead to a disconnect where you’re no longer truly communicating with your partner, but rather drifting into parallel lives. So what can you do? Work on replacing harsh start-ups with gentle start-ups. Here are some gentle start-up tips:
Gentle start-ups state complaints, but don’t blame their partner for the problem.
Gentle start-ups remember the problem is the problem, not your partner.
Gentle start-ups focus on what is happening, not on analyzing or judging the problem
Gentle start-ups are soft and polite, not harsh and demanding
Gentle start-ups claim part of the responsibility to contributing to the problem
Gentle start-ups focus on how the speaker feels and what the speaker needs
Gentle start-ups do not contain criticism, contempt, blame or accusations
Let’s look at a few examples of gentle start-ups:
I am really overwhelmed with the amount of work on my plate today. It would help me if you picked up the kids from school.
I loved it when you came in my office and gave me a hug the other day. Can you do that more often? It really lifted me up.
It seems like we haven't seen each other a lot lately. Let's plan a date. I miss you!
Reflect on a recent conflict you had with your partner. How did you begin the conversation? Was it with a gentle start-up, or did it come across as harsh?
If you realize that your approach was more on the harsh side, take a moment to consider how you might reframe your message. A gentle start-up involves expressing your feelings and needs with kindness and openness, fostering connection rather than defensiveness.
Think about how you can articulate what you want, need, or prefer in a way that invites understanding and collaboration. It's about approaching the conversation with empathy and respect, allowing space for both of you to feel heard and valued. This shift in how you communicate can make a world of difference in deepening your relationship.
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